Responding to the growing demand for alternatives to the unreliable commercial insurance market, the tiny European nation of Freedonia opened its doors on April 1 to self-insured captives from all over the world.

Freedonia is the latest in a series of domiciles, both on-and off-shore, to establish a haven for risk managers fed up with cycles and unreliable carriers in the standard commercial lines market.

Industry analysts immediately praised the newest participant in the captive game, contending that the more alternative risk-transfer options a risk manager has, the better.

“Freedonia is a small country, but it has big dreams of becoming the Bermuda of Europe,” said Margaret Dumont, president of the Global Risk Management Society, who announced that she will hold her group's next annual meeting in Freedonia. “I frankly had never heard of Freedonia before this new captive law was passed,” she confessed. “But this bold initiative is sure to put Freedonia on the map!”

National Underwriter has learned that neighboring Sylvania–with which Freedonia has frequently crossed swords, both on the battlefield as well as in bars and pool halls across Europe–is moving to enact its own captive law so as not to be upstaged by its smaller but feistier upstart adversary.

However, even if the rumors about Sylvania entering the captive market turn out to be true, Freedonian officials expressed confidence that their domicile will prevail.

“The simplicity of our rules will win out over any and all pretenders to the captive thrown,” declared Freedonia's president, Rufus T. Firefly. “Why, a five-year-old could understand our captive law,” he said, before adding: “Quick, get me a five-year-old! I can't make heads or tails of this captive law!”

President Firefly insisted he was forced to move into the captive market when rumors surfaced about Sylvania trying to usurp his initiative. “Why, if I allowed this insult to pass, my ancestors would all rise from their graves, and then I'd have to pay to bury them again!”

When informed that the president of Sylvania confided to this reporter he might be pursuaded to avoid a captive war, President Firefly scoffed. “A lot of good changing his mind will do him! He'll still have the same face!”

Freedonia's captive director, Harpo Marx, repeatedly refused to comment. His boss, Finance Minister Chico Marx, left a voicemail that he was at the racetrack betting the country's budget surplus on the daily double, and could not be reached for comment.

President Firefly noted that any company seeking to establish a new captive in Freedonia first had to prove their good faith by sending him a check for $100, made out to “Cash.” He emphasized that this payment was a merely a loan, and not any sort of tax or bribe.

“I'll give you my personal marker,” vowed President Firefly. “If I don't pay you back within a year, you can keep the marker.”

President Firefly, known as Groucho Marx in a prior life, also hastened to wish all readers of this blog a HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!!!

Special Reports /

Hail, Hail The Newest Captive Haven!

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