Ready or not, I'm turning 50 this afternoon! I've tried not to dwell on this earthshaking event, but circumstances haven't made it easy. Indeed, it seems as if the world has been conspiring to remind me about the consequences of aging as my mega-birthday approached!

First came the inevitable, dreaded letter, inviting me to join AARP. My spouse urged me to tear it up and forget all about it, but not only did I sign up, I added her name to the membership list as well.

Perhaps I'll see a benefit someday, maybe in terms of a group insurance purchase–for me, life always comes down to insurance…an occupational habit! But for now it's just depressing to see their magazine arrive every month to inform me how to age gracefully.

Then a week before my birthday, I received a rude awakening that entering another decade has financial implications. My private disability carrier (again, insurance!) hiked my premium rate 23% in recognition of my turning 50. Have I really become that much more of a risk at 50 than I was yesterday at 49??? I guess I have those cold, cruel actuarial tables to thank. Nothing personal, right? Just another rite of passage!

If that wasn't disturbing enough, when I returned from RIMS, my mailbox contained a letter from a firm selling about the only real estate that hasn't dropped in value lately–a cemetary pitching prime plots out on Long Island. Besides inviting me to “visit and inspect” their available locations, they offered me “an informative and complimentary book” with a rather rude title, “Let's Face It Now.” It promises to teach me all I need to know about long-term care coverage, as well as health and life insurance (I can't escape this business!), along with wills, Social Security benefits “and much more.” Cheerful stuff to ponder, indeed.

I'm surprised they did not offer me a free copy of “Death For Dummies.” (No, they haven't really written THAT book yet–I doublechecked on Amazon.com. But give it time.)

The kicker, however, came when I recently went to see the Rolling Stones concert film, “Shine A Light.” I handed the kid at the ticket window a 20-dollar bill, expecting eight bucks back in change. Instead, when I got inside the theater, I saw she had given me $12!

I checked the ticket, and, good lord, she had sold me a Senior Citizens discount admission!!!

Since I don't think I really look THAT far along in years, I can only imagine that someone born in the 1990s no doubt assumed anyone going to see a Rolling Stones concert movie must be REALLY, REALLY OLD! Talk about a reality check!

I thought about going back to correct her mistake, but then decided to pick up a “free” popcorn instead with the money I'd saved, rationalizing it was the theater's birthday gift to yours truly after years of loyal patronage, not to mention compensation for all those ads and trailers I've had to sit through.

The truth is, turning 50 is really no big deal. I still feel like a kid, especially when I'm watching baseball–even though most of the players are now young enough to be my sons. Even most of the managers are younger than me these days! Thank God for “old men” like Joe Torre and Lou Pinella to grant me the illusion of perpetual youth!

The ultimate shocker, however, may be yet to come. What if Barack Obama somehow manages to get elected President? That would make me older than the Leader of the Free World for the first time in my life.

Of course, if John McCain or even Hillary Clinton is elected, I can remain a spring chicken by comparison, but it's not worth the cheap thrill. Vanity does not come before politics in my book.

How do you folks feel about all this? Is 50 really “the new 40″? Or is that just another gimmick to lighten the mood of those who will have to work until their 70s to get Social Security?

Wish me luck!

Special Reports /

Turning 50 Is No Picnic!

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