Sometimes you have to laugh a little to ease the stress of abusy work schedule. So, come on, take a break away from the manyspreadsheets or calls that are in front of you, relax, sit back andlaugh along with us.
|We bring you part deux of the best insurance jokes that youcan use to amuse your coworkers, your clients, and even to breakthe ice during a conference (just remember to take intoconsideration the content, context and intent of the joke, whichshould never insult anyone, unless you're presenting a roast atComedy Central). We have also included some of our reader commentsand jokes in this article.
|Know any good jokes that we missed? Leave them in the commentsbelow.
||Some jokes that our readers have posted in ourcomments:
1. That awkward moment when you deliver a highly ratedlife insurance policy…
“Whenever I deliver a highly rated life insurance policy, Iremind the insured that while the premium may be higher, giventheir health, they won't pay nearly so long! Then I smile andchuckle a bit, they chuckle too, and they accept the policy. Deepdown, pretty much all people know what their health status reallyis … so don't let 'em blow smoke at you.”
|- MrWiseOwl
|2. Introverts vs. extroverts, and onecorrection
“What's the difference between an introverted actuary and anextroverted actuary? An introverted actuary looks at his shoes whenhe talks to you. An extroverted actuary looks at your shoes . ..”
|- Linda
|To which another reader commented: “Oldest joke in the bookexcept it is the difference between an actuary and an accountant.”– Never gets old
|3. The real question is: Can your wife really getremarried?
“I was trying to deliver a life insurance policy to a fella whokept insisting to me that his wife could always get remarried.Finally, I blurted out 'have you looked at her lately?' He took thepolicy …”
|- MrWiseOwl
|4. What's Hobby Lobby got to do with it?
“Question: What do accountants use for birth control?
Answer: Their personality.”
- Robert
||Insurance jokes from the internet
5. It's all about thepolicy…
Would Transformers buy life insurance … or car insurance?
|(From AGordon.com. Photo: Actor Jack Reynor poses forphotographers during a press conference for his film “Transformers:Age of Extinction.” AP Photo/Koji Sasahara)
||
6. Barn and husband insurance
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called theinsurance company. Susan told the insurance company, “We had thatbarn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.”
|The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurancedoesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of whatwas insured and provide you with a new one of comparableworth.”
|There was a long pause before Susan replied, “Then I'd like tocancel the policy on my husband.”
|(From Esuranceprofessional.com)
||
7. How to start a flood
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. Thelawyer said, “I'm here because my house burned down, and everythingI owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid foreverything.”
|“That's quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I'm herebecause my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood,and my insurance company also paid for everything.”
|The puzzled lawyer asked, “How do you start a flood?”
|(From Esuranceprofessional.com)
||
8. What's in the bucket?
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
|“We don't need any one,” they replied.
|“You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anythinganytime.”
|“We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If youcan sell just one, you have a job.”
|He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them twochecks, one for an $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000policy.
|“How in the world did you do that,” they asked.
|“I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyoneanywhere anytime.”
|“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked him.
|“What's that?” he asked.
|“Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires aurine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urinesamples.”
|He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with twofive gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down andreaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine andsets them on the desk and says, “Here's Mr. Brown's and this one isMr. Smith's.”
|“That's good,” they said, “but what's in those two buckets?”
|“Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a stateteachers convention and I sold them a group policy!”
|(From Esuranceprofessional.com)
||
9. Honoring the last wish…
A father told his three sons when he sent them to theuniversity: “I feel it's my duty to provide you with the bestpossible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.However, I want you to appreciate it; as a token, please each put$1,000 into my coffin when I die.”
|And so it happened. The sons became a doctor, a lawyer, and afinancial planner, each very successful financially. When they sawtheir father in the coffin one day, they remembered his wish.
|First it was the doctor who put ten $100 bills onto the chest ofthe deceased.
|Then came the lawyer, who put a $1,000 bill there, too.
|Finally, it was the heartbroken financial planner's turn. Hedipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for$3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000cash.
|(From Esuranceprofessional.com)
||
10. That's one way to pay those hospital bills…
Mr. Smith was brought to the hospital and taken quickly in forheart surgery. The operation went well and, as the old man regainedconsciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of the hospital, whowas waiting by his bed.
|“Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine,” said the nun, gentlypatting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend topay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
|“No, I'm not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
|“Then can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.
|“I'm afraid I cannot, Sister,” he said.
|“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun questionedsternly.
|“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she's ahumble spinster nun.”
|“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters; theyare married to God.”
|“Wonderful,” said Mr. Smith. “In that case, please send the billto my brother-in-law.”
|(From Esuranceprofessional.com)
||
11. Fast customer service
Three insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boastingabout each of their companies' services.
|The first one said, “When one of our insureds died suddenly onMonday, we got the news that evening and were able to process theclaim for the wife and had mailed a check on Wednesdayevening.”
|The second one said, “When one of our insureds died withoutwarning on Monday, we learned of it in two hours and were able tohand-deliver a check the same evening.”
|The last salesman said, “That's nothing. Our office is on the20th floor of a tall building. One of our insureds, who was washinga window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him hischeck as he passed our floor.”
|(From Esuranceprofessional.com)
|
12. JCPenney sold insurance?!
As part of its direct marketing program, JCPenney sells lifeinsurance over the phone. One of the oddest events thesetelemarketers had was when they received a phone call from a personwanting to buy life insurance. The person who answered the phonebegan writing the sale as she normally would, until she got to thenew customer's residence; he was on death row, due to be executedthe next day. She had to decline the sale.
|(From Yuksrus.com)
||
13. It had to be snakes
The insurance agent was questioning the cowboy who had appliedfor a policy.
|“Ever have an accident?” he inquired.
|“Nope,” the cowboy answered.
|“Not even one?” asked the agent, incredulously.
|“Nope,” the cowboy insisted. “Rattler bit me once, though.”
|“And don't you call that an accident?” exclaimed the amazedagent.
|“Nope; the danged varmint done it a-purpose.”
|(From Yuksrus.com)
||
14. To jump or not to jump?
An actuary and an underwriter are watching the eleven o'clocknews. A story comes on involving a man on a window ledgethreatening to jump.
|The underwriter says, “I'll bet you fifty bucks he doesn'tjump.”
|The actuary says, “I'll take that bet.” A few minutes later theguy jumps.
|As the underwriter reaches for his wallet, the actuary says,“Never mind. It's not fair. I saw it on the six o'clock news.”
|The underwriter responds, “So did I, but I just did''t think itwould happen twice.”
|(From Insurance-finder.info)
||
15. Actuary, underwriter and salesperson riding in acar
An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson areriding in a car. The salesperson has his foot on the gas, theunderwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is lookingout the back window telling them where to go.
|(From Insurance-finder.info)
||
16. Lashing out
A broker, an actuary and an agent are all caught drinkingsmuggled liquor while staying in Saudi Arabia. Under Saudi law,simply possessing alcohol is an offense punishable by death.
|However, the local prince is feeling generous that day, so hecommutes the death sentence and instead sentences each to 20lashes. After further thought, the prince does not want to offendthe American government, so he also grants each a wish to easetheir suffering.
|The broker is punished first because he drank the most.
|“What is your wish?” asks the Saudi prince.
|“I'd like to have a pillow on my back,” replies the broker. So apillow is placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillowholds up for about 10 lashes, after which the broker screams out inpain.
|The actuary had only a few drinks, so he is punished next.
|“I'd like to have two pillows on my back,” boldly states theactuary. So two pillows are placed on his back, and the punishmentbegins. The pillows hold up for about 15 lashes, after which theactuary screams out in pain.
|Finally, the agent steps forward. Of the three, he was the onlyone who didn't drink. The Saudi prince is impressed by this, andgrants him two wishes.
|The agent then states, “Well, for my first wish, I want toreceive 100 lashes, not 20.”
|“Your courage is impressive,” states the prince. “And for yoursecond wish?”
|“Strap the actuary onto my back,” replies the agent.
|(From Insurance-finder.info)
||
17. Does marrying an insurance agent prolonglife?
A woman was in the hospital after feeling very ill. The doctorsays to her, “I have some bad news for you. You only have threemonths to live.”
|“Oh that's terrible,” the woman sighs, “What am I going do?”
|The doctor replies, “Marry an insurance agent.”
|“Will I live longer?” asks the woman.
|“No,” replies the doctor, “but it will SEEM longer.”
|(From Insurance-finder.info)
||
18. Life insurance for a centenarian?
When a marketing officer asked an actuary why he recommendedselling more life insurance policies to 98-year-olds, the actuaryreplied, “According to our tables, very few of them die eachyear.”
|(From Insurance-finder.info)
||
19. Selling to a ghost?
Q: What is the hardest thing to sell to a ghoul?
|A: Life insurance!
|(From a NSFW website: http://www.kappit.com/tag/life-insurance-jokes/2/)
||
20. Spiders know best
Female spiders eat the male spiders after mating. They knowcollecting life insurance is easier than child support.
|(From a NSFW website: http://www.kappit.com/tag/life-insurance-jokes/2/)
||
21. Waiting to exhale
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other —so now it's just a waiting game.
|(From a NSFW website: http://www.kappit.com/tag/life-insurance-jokes/2/)
||
22. The changing of a light bulb
Q. How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb?
|A. How many did it take last year?
|(From Onesourcenv.com)
||
23. It's all about GI insurance
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where headvised new recruits about their government benefits, especiallytheir GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticedthat Airman Jones had almost a 100 percent record for insurancesales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this,the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones'ssales pitch.
|Jones explained the basics of the GI insurance to the newrecruits. And then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go intobattle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to yourbeneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go intobattle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of$6,000.”
|“Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going tosend into battle first?”
|(From Onesourcenv.com)
||
24. Je suis Canadiens?
In Canada, there is a group of people who refuse to speakEnglish. They're called separatists and tend to live in Quebec. Inthe United States, they're called actuaries.
|(From Onesourcenv.com)
||
25. A lying machine that can't lie
An electronics firm invented a new machine, the Excuser,designed to come up with creative and convincing excuses. Aimed atpeople who are perennially late for work, or forget their wives'birthdays, or the like. This was a fairly expensive new productlaunch, so they took out an insurance policy against unforeseenproduct defects. They launched the machine with much fanfare.
|Unfortunately, a problem did develop. The system would alwaysgive the boss the real reason why the person was late, and turnedout to be no good at inventing false ones. This made volume salessomewhat unlikely, and so the company went to its insurer to claimfor the losses they'd made. The insurance company listened to thestory, and checked the policy terms. The representative came backto the electronics company and said: “Sorry, but you're not coveredfor product lie ability.”
|(From Onesourcenv.com)
||
26. On getting the job . . .
A man was applying for a job as an insurance salesman. The formrequested prior experience, so he wrote “lifeguard.” When themanager met him, he said, “We are looking for someone who can sellhimself. How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?”The man replied, “I couldn't swim.”
|Needless to say, the man got the job.
|(From Funniestcleanjokes.com)
||
27. Can an actuary get deactivated?
If irreverent priests are defrocked, and dishonest attorneys aredisbarred, shouldn't difficult actuaries be deactivated?
|(From Insuranceisfun.com)
||
28. Off to the races!
A life insurance agent decides to take a good friend with him tothe horse race track and enjoy the afternoon. When he returns homehis wife asks, “How was your day and did you make any money?”
|He replies, “Well, I didn't make any money today, but my clientsure learned how gambling with the numbers certainly doesn't payoff.”
|(From Insurancelaughs.blogspot.com)
||
29. Playing doctor
The seven-year-old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class askedme to play doctor.”
|“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened,honey?”
|“Nothing. He made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed theinsurance company.”
|(From Barricks.com)
||
30. Having hundreds of clients …
An insurance agent said to a customer, “Thank you, Mr. Barricks,for your patronage. I wish I had 20 clients like you.”
|“Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised,”admitted Mr. Barricks. “You know that I file many claims and alwayspay my premiums late.”
|The insurance agent said, “I'd still like 20 clients like you.The problem is, I have 200 like you.”
|(From Barricks.com)
||
31. Living to 100?
A grandmother was in her late 90s and decided to move toFlorida. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctorand get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, soshe gave him the litany of complaints: this hurts, that's stiff,I'm tired and slower, etc.
|He responded with, “You have to expect things to startdeteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?”
|The grandmother looked at him straight in the eye and replied,“Anyone who's 99.”
|(From Barricks.com)
||
32. These are the 4 things you can't recover inlife
1) The stone………..after it's thrown,
|2) The word…………after it's said,
|3) The occasion……after it's missed, and
|4) The time………….after it's gone.
|(From Barricks.com)
|See also:
|||Want to continue reading?
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