As the song says, “It's the most wonderful time of theyear!”

No, not the holidays, but the end of year for insurance agentseverywhere! Yes, visions of sugar plums may well dance in the headsof youngsters, but for agents, those “visions” are more likely tobe fevered phantasms of upcoming renewals, with any dancing focusedon how to explain “hard market” pricing and underwriting to “softmarket”-raised clients.

Now is the perfect time of year to be thinking of that idealpresent to restore joy to your favorite insurance person after arenewal season that will leave many on the burned-out edge ofdeclaring, “Insurance? Bah, humbug!”

And what luck that a veritable plethora of newly mintedinsurance-themed DVDs are just reaching the market! Here are a fewof the choice selections—two fresh from the theaters and twore-issued classics of the genre—guaranteed to bring a smile to eventhe most price-weary, audit-fearing veterans of the insurancewars.

“The Hop It”

At last, the long-requested prequel to the worldwide insuranceblockbuster “Laird of the Rings.” Those who know the story onlyfrom the earlier movies are well acquainted with underwritertrainee Rick Laird's epic journey to recover and return thelegendary ring of diamond to its rightful place, braving the direstthreats of dark appraisers and evil floater settlement clauses.

Now learn how the ring came to be lost, and how the fatefuljourney by famed adjuster William Bowe Baggage (known to hisfriends as “Mr. Claim”), became the origin of today's common idiom,“Lost items? Talk to Baggage Claim.” And although it will becometediously clear that adjuster marching songs were as endlesslydroning as today, you'll find yourselves days after the finalcredits roll still humming the jaunty theme, “Good Golem, MissMollem!” Hop it, indeed!

“Harry Potts and the Producer's Stone”

Harry appears to be a normal child, but has always sensed he issomehow different than the relatives who adopted him after themysterious disappearance of his parents following Harry's birth. Onhis 21st birthday, he finally learns the jarring truth: He's thechild of insurance agents who were crushed by company loss reservesfollowing Hurricane Andrew.

His relatives, all investment bankers, resort to humiliation andintimidation to keep Harry from following in his parents'footsteps, at one point locking him in a closet stocked withnothing but bread, water and back issues of Barrons. But with thehelp of a friendly underwriter named Hagar, Harry escapes and issoon off to a producer school at HogDarts Insurance Co. There,among other producers, for the first time Harry feels normal.

This tale of his studies of arcane and oft-forgotten policyforms (such as the 1943 New York Standard Fire Policy), as well ashis discovery of the great and noble game of Bonk the Adjuster,soon sends Harry on his way to numerous exciting adventures andsales opportunities.

“True Flood”

Along the Gulf coast of America lies a world where opulenthabitats and casinos stand side by side with drowsy fishingvillages and endless marsh and beach. Yet let a hurricane roarashore and you'll discover therein lurks a world of mystery andmagical thinking known to locals as the Flood Zone.

Existing somewhere between a howling wind and rising tides, thedenizens of this zone may seem perfectly normal to casualobservers, but locals know the truth: When it comes time to adjustthe claim, the doors of hell itself are thrown wide and themonsters emerge. Soon they will separate into their ancient clans:Winders (pronounced like “window,”) who believe all power and mightarises from the gales and gusts; True Flooders, who avow the sourceof any and all catastrophic loss arrives with the rushing tides;and Bloodsuckers, who arrive after disaster strikes, armed withdeferrals, denials and obtuse and arcane reasons why whatevercoverage you may think you have isn't.

Soon many insureds who thought themselves safely cocooned in acontract of protection and recovery find it to be more a tale offairie than fairness. In an amazing twist at the end, viewers findthe title refers not to the storm waters but to the devastatingsurge of wrongful claim lawsuits and E&O.

“Stat Wars: Return of the Actuaries”

Once ISO acquired the rights to the bottomless treasure trovethat is the “Stat Wars” universe, was there any doubt the greatestinsurance film of them all would soon return in glorious 3D? Put onthose crazy ACV spectacles and prepare to relive the legendarystory.

Long ago, in a marketplace far, far away, the insurance universewas governed by a quiet yet powerful group known as Actuaries.Although unknown to many, those in the industry knew the actuary'sword was law. They alone could translate the Law of Large Numbersinto practical, everyday rate calculations.

Only they, using their mystical arts, understood how to let goof their feelings and trust to the force of regressive analysis toguide their determinations. Their traditional greeting of, “May therating bureaus be with you” comforted many who feared thedevastating price wars oft said to have spelled the end of many aprevious civilized market.

But a dark age dawned. Marketing departments with littleknowledge and no interest in understanding the alchemic actuarialarts brushed aside the Actuaries as “sterile statisticians” orridiculed their assumptions as unrealistic and unacceptable in anera when growth in market share and cash flow had become the newreligion. Soon it seemed as if every form of insurance had becomean “uncontrolled line” and coverage was expanded faster than newmanuals could be issued. Harrowing experiments were conducted informerly heretical theories like “replacement cost coverage,”“automatic” additional insured endorsements, “primary andnoncontributory” agreements, and the most devastating of all—“allrisk.”

At first these MBA-driven initiatives were hailed as the bravenew world of a moribund industry finally throwing off the mundaneshackles of making an actual underwriting profit for the gloriousrevenues of financial engineering. But soon an avalanche ofcatastrophic events cast these new aspiring venture capitalistsinto a tailspin of chaos and stock market panic. Who among us hasnot heard the horrific tales ofnever-to-be-repeated-yet-apparently-oft-repeated disasters:Hurricane Katrina; Superstorm Sandy; Colorado flooding; HurricaneIke; Alabama tornadoes; Midwest flooding; Hurricane Wilma; Missouritornadoes; Hurricane Charley; and assorted wildfires andearthquakes.

Soon, into the deepest recesses of even the most Wharton of theMBAs, a thought began to swirl and grow until it burst forth in ananguished cry: “Where are the Actuaries? Only the Actuaries cansave us from ourselves! Only their sound rate tables can stabilizeour revenues and results.” Even in the historically most obliviousof rate worlds—FEMA—was the cry heard: “We are drowning not in thewaters of the Mighty Mississippi, but in floods of red ink! Createfor us actuarially sound rates, that we may go forth and borrowfrom the Treasury no more!”

So once again a universe seeking order from chaos turns to themystical Actuaries. But are any of those ancient Lords of the Linesstill among us? Will even they be able be to return peace andstable pricing to the marketplace? Has the marketers' power beentruly crushed, or does it merely slumber to rise again when therecent lessons so painfully learned have once more faded withflawed memory? Will the rulers of the Republic allow true actuarialrate adequacy, or hail the return of the Actuaries only to laterattempt to roll back those reforms following a flood of protestlevied by impacted insureds?

You will be glued to your seat as “Return of the Actuaries”bursts forth from your screen in astounding 3D! Soon you and yourentire family will be chanting the Actuaries Prayer: “May the ratesrise up to meet you; may your IBNR ever be in excess of your actualincurred losses; and may your trending render you eversolvent.”

These blockbusters will sell faster than an insurance carriercan raise year-end reserves. Get yours now for that specialinsurance agent friend. Happy holidays!