Let's go, insurance adjusters, let's go!

Let's go, insurance adjusters, let's go!

So chants Indianapolis Colts' quarterback Peyton Manning in arecent television commercial for MasterCard, heralding everydayjobs. Has the adjusting profession now arrived? Is this our 15minutes of fame?

If you scan TV Guide (one of the most-read publications in thenation, next to Claims, of course), you will see that a strongtrend in current programming is the succession of reality-basedshows. The phenomenon started a few years ago and now we haveeverything from Commando Nanny to Ambush Make-Over.

It is high time that the claim profession climb aboard thebandwagon to portray the challenging, and often wacky, world ofclaims. Maybe 10 years hence, we will have 1,000 cable televisionchannels. (Odds are, however, that I still will not be able toprogram my VCR.) Sandwiched between the Yodeling Channel and theDental Floss Network may be Adjuster TV, channel 867. If so, hereare some reality TV shows we can envision for such a futuristicnetwork:

Clean Sweep Following the latest corporate reorganization plan,an insurer downsizes its claim staff under the guise of capturing“new synergies” endorsed by a management consultant It outsourcesclaims to a low-bid vendor in Bangalore, India. The show depictsirate insureds who object to so-called service from an adjusterlocated 15,000 miles away. Repeat after me, “Hi, my name isRajneesh and I'll be your adjuster today.”

The insurer still offers adjusting services at accident scenesbut, unfortunately, it takes four days for the adjuster to reachthe intersection due to the cost and availability of internationalflights and the need for advance immunizations. The insurer stillinsists that “Quality is Job One” and “Our Employees Are Our MostValuable Assets!”

Extreme Makeover Only two days are left before the claimauditors arrive. The adjusting staff drops its current work tobackfill claim files so that they will look nice for the auditors.Their efforts include progress notes, work sheets, and otherniceties that auditors love. According to one claim wit, “Claimauditors are those who arrive after the battle to bayonet thewounded.” Time to add window-dressing! Accessorize the claim file!By the time the staff is finished, you would never recognize theoriginal claim file. Current files are neglected and the nativesare restless but, hey, you can't have everything, and at leastwe'll look good for the auditors. That's what's important, right?

The Apprentice Two competing teams of adjusters vie for pleasingthe home office's vice president of claims. Their challenge is tocredibly sell their claim services to consumers, agents, andbrokers as a competitive differentiator when corporate has just cutthe adjusting staff and slashed training budgets in half. Thewinning team gets a free seminar in writing fiction led by claimexecutives. The losing team must choose between hearing, “You'refired,” or wearing Donald Trump's comb-over for a day.

Amish in the City Amos and Rebecca are Amish teenagers who tryto find OCIP coverage for a barn raising that they are planning ininner-city Detroit. They are shocked by its cost and seek equinerental reimbursement (a policy “rider”) after a street gang led byan Eminem look-alike hijacks their horse and buggy. Away from thefarm, they learn that lawsuits are a quicker way to earn money thanweaving quilts or selling roadside funnel cakes. Accordingly, theyfile a defamation lawsuit against Weird Al Yankovich for the way heportrays their religious group in his music video, Amish Paradise.Discussion question: Is such an action an insurable event under theadvertising and personal injury portion of Weird Al's commercialgeneral liability policy?

Real World Six Gen-X slackers are thrown together in busy claimdepartment handling auto bodily injury assignments. They discoverthat they are not nearly so hip and fun when they have to awaken at6:30 a.m. to do a J-O-B. Less time for hooking up, cruising bars,and spewing self-absorbed banter in front of the camera. Bummer,dude.

Who Wants to Marry My Actuary? This show aims to find a mate forthe ultimate geekazoid. Best line by the cast: “An introvertedactuary stares at his shoes while he's talking to you; anextroverted actuary looks at your shoes when he's talking to you.”Best actuary pickup line: “Have you heard ofBornheutter-Ferguson?”

Road Rules Follow a group of claim people as they attend anindustry claim conference in Las Vegas. See them swarm the open barand hospitality suites. Stalk them as they prowl the exhibit hall,looking for free trinkets from rehab and structured settlementvendors. No one remembers how the night ends, but all agree, “Whathappens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” A raffle drawing on the exhibithall floor offers the winning conventioneer a free week at theBetty Ford Clinic.

Wife Swap Does a husband retain an insurable interest in thelife of his wife once he swaps spouses with another family? Is sheconsidered a permissible user of the family car under a personalautomobile policy? Can he assign coverage (as well as domesticchores) to the substitute wife? Most important, can he pursue freeagency and make an NFL-type trade for one of the hotties fromDesperate Housewives? A panel of life insurance experts convenes onthis show to vote and decide.

Survivor — Hurricane Alley Two tribes of adjusters camp out insouthern Florida following a succession of hurricanes, as they livethe life of cat adjusters. To win immunity, they must locate acache of plywood and portable electrical generators. Workloads arehigh and the stress is cranked up. Adjusters who cannot get alongwith their chums are voted off the proverbial island. Those who winspecial contests earn immunity awards and are sent to the corporatehome office, where, by definition, no one can do anythingwrong.

Fear Factor Adjusters vie for prizes while seeking to face downtheir worst phobias. For some, it is inspecting water damage increepy, dark crawlspaces. Others must negotiate injury claims withabrasive claimant attorneys. In one terrifying episode, an adjusteris strapped to a chair, deprived of voice mail, and forced to …answer a ringing phone.

Pimp My (Company) Ride Pimp Daddy Xzibit and the West CoastCustoms crew turn raggedy company cars driven by adjusters intotricked-out pimp-mobiles. Adjusters take turns trying to outfittheir company vehicles with spoilers, fins, and backseat hot tubs.Pretty fly for a claims guy.

I'd Do Anything … to Get Out of This Meeting Adjusters areyanked from their claim-handling duties and herded into impromptumanagement meetings to discuss the company's latest corporatestrategic plan. There is no agenda, no ending time, and no specificaction item. There are, however, plenty of Power Points and coffeemugs with the newest corporate inspirational mantra du jour. Theexecutives later debrief and give each other high fives for jazzingup the troops. Adjusters miss their monthly productivity goals andare laid off during a re-engineering initiative.

Clear Eye for the Claim Guy: Puzzling coverageissues are assigned to teams of adjusters, who compete to reach thecorrect policy interpretation as quickly as possible. Deadlockedteams outsource their queries to legal counsel, who gravely advise,“It depends … .”

Last Adjuster Standing: Adjusters do stand-upcomedy routines at Open Mike night to inebriated crowds at stateclaim association functions. Performers get rave reviews but, aftersix beers, anything sounds funny.

My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss: Do we really need topreview this one?

Gentlemen and gentlewomen, start your remote controls. Figureout how to program your VCRs or break down and get TiVo. Check yourtelevision sections for local times and listings. Offer a high-fiveto Peyton Manning for glamorizing our profession. Enjoy the show onAdjuster Reality TV.

When not watching reality TV, Kevin Quinley, CPCU, is seniorvice president for Medmarc Insurance Group in Chantilly, Va. He canbe reached at [email protected].