Nothing is certain in life except death and taxes.
Ben Franklin said something similar around the time of the American Revolution, and the logic still holds. Clients die. Advisors die. Clients lose parents and children.
Death is awkward. When a client dies, it can be hard to know what to say or do. Here are some things to avoid saying, and what to say or do instead.
It is so easy to put your foot in your mouth. When people are grieving, they often take offense easily or assume people want to profit from their grief. You want to show your client's loved ones that you are a trusted advisor, a sensitive person with their best interests at heart.
What not to say
1. Nothing at all.
This might seem like the polite and tactful approach. They are grieving. Let’s give them their privacy. You let life go on as if nothing happened. If they need you, they will reach out.
Why this is bad: This implies you don’t care. The unspoken message is that it was a business, not a personal relationship. The bigger concern is they have issues to address. Many are financial. You were in a position to help. You did not offer.
Instead: Offer your condolences. Acknowledge they will be facing many issues, including financial ones. You are here to help, but you respect that they are dealing with the grief of losing a loved one. They should let you know when they are ready or have questions.
2. "They were old. It was their time."
You feel you are putting things in perspective. Older people die. This should be expected. You are minimizing their loss.
Why this is bad: It implies older people are a burden. They know their life is over and should step aside quietly. There was a line on "Midsomer Murders": “What does a guy who is 85 years old want in life?” The answer: “To turn 86.”
Instead: Acknowledge they were a great person and will be missed. Mention a trait about your client you admired.
3. "I know what you are feeling. My cat died last month."
This is another example of misplaced sympathy. You are trying to get closer, sharing an experience you consider similar.
Why this is bad: The experience is not similar. They lost a human. You lost a pet. It implies you are equating the status of their loss to an animal.
Instead: Respect their grief. “I cannot imagine what you are going through.” They might ask if you have lost a loved one. If you mention the loss of a spouse or parent, they might initiate the “you have had a similar loss” conversation. You are bonding.
4. "We should make changes to your portfolio."
This recalls Danny DeVito in the classic TV series "Taxi." When he took a job as a stockbroker, he would read the obituaries, call the surviving spouse after the funeral, and suggest they sell the stocks they inherited.
Why this is bad: It appears you are thinking of yourself first. You are wondering how you can profit from this situation.
Instead: You will have questions. There will be items needing attention. I am here to talk when you are ready. (You will check in a few weeks later.)
5. "What are you planning to do with the life insurance proceeds?"
As their financial advisor, you have a broad view of their financial position. It might be better than that of their surviving spouse. You feel insurance is there for a reason, to replace lost income.
Why this is bad: Once again, it appears like you are looking for business. You actually have their interests top of mind, but it doesn’t look that way.
Instead: One step at a time. There will be paperwork that needs to be done. You might have gone through this before when other family members passed away. "You have a lot on your mind right now. I will circle back in a week unless you want to get started earlier."
6. "Can I have his fishing rods?"
This happens between friends. You know the deceased had a hobby or interest not shared by their partner. There is the possibility valuable items will be discarded during a cleanout.
Why this is bad: It appears you are not respecting this loss. You assume they will wake up the next day, having forgotten about their loss, and will want to get back to life as it was previously.
Instead: "I will miss him too. He was an avid angler. Fishing is a passion we shared." (This also plants the idea.)
7. "No one sends cards or flowers anymore."
This is something you might think, but not say aloud. You might say it to your assistant in the office. You think this is an outdated ritual.
Why this is bad: In certain cultures, the size of the flower display almost gets competitive. Mourners at the viewing check out the floral arrangements, noting who sent them and who did not.
Instead: Read the obituary. It is in the newspaper or online. It might mention, “In lieu of flowers, donations should be made to (charity).” Send a condolence card and make a donation. The charity will let them know.
8. "Do you think you will marry again?"
You might wonder, out of curiosity. They are "not that old." They are attractive.
Why this is bad: The comment implies they should be considering their life partner as similar to a CD that has matured and should be replaced. It also implies you might be interested if they were “back on the market.”
Instead: "It’s times like these we are lucky to have friends who can provide support." (You are implying they have a good support network that will help them transition if necessary.)
9. "I would like to have something to remember them by."
This is a natural reaction. They were more than a client; they were a friend. You want to keep their memory alive.
Why this is bad: The unspoken message is that this item would be something valuable. They might assume you are dropping hints that their gold Rolex would be suitable.
Instead: After saying you would like something, ask if they have a photo they can share. Ideally, it shows both your client and your partner in happier times.
10. “If you don’t want to keep the jewelry, I know a guy."
You might feel you are helping. You have been to enough estate sales to know valuable items often get overlooked and sold for peanuts. You might assume there are grasping relatives in the background. Selling the jewelry would get them cash.
Why this is bad: It might imply you want to cheat them by directing them to your friend in the business. They would get a lowball offer and accept it because they are grieving.
Instead: "I know your partner was a collector. They had a lot of beautiful things. All this is yours now. I assume you have an attorney who can help you with a proper evaluation." (You are in a position to provide a few referrals. They can choose.)
(Photo credit: Syda Productions/Adobe Stock)
This article originally appeared on ThinkAdvisor and may not be reprinted.
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