Many auto insurers give discounts to drivers who take defensive-driver classes, usually given by the state. The theory is that you'll pick up a few tips in these classes and maybe avoid an accident or two.
I took such a class, and let me tell you, whoever came up with the idea of giving discounts for sitting through those four hours was out of his mind.
Our instructor, Gene Ashcraft, was an older gentleman with at best a tenuous grasp of reality. But he came armed with a curriculum and some video tapes, and we were-as Gordon Lightfoot might put it-a bone to be chewed.
After the first hour of the class, which was spent tediously going through the penalties for drunk driving, we got into the meat of the course. Well, the tofu. Let me share some of the things I learned-the things that earned me a discount on my insurance, and earned the mother rapers and father rapers around me the chance to keep driving.
Advice we got: If you see a drunk driver on the road, call the state police at 1-800-555-1212. When several people questioned the phone number, we got into a long discussion of whether that was really the police or just AT&T information. (It is, in fact, AT&T.) So Ashcraft suggested 911 instead. Ever the troublemaker, I asked, "So it's OK to use our cell phones while driving?"
You should not drive with your hands on the top of the steering wheel, Ashcraft said, because if the airbag goes off, well, women can be badly hurt by the jewelry on their fingers. And if something falls onto the floor, don't pick it up. If you try, you might yank the steering wheel as you lean over.
Putting two and two together, I said, "So maybe it's safer to keep our hands off the steering wheel entirely."
"Just leave it," said Ashcraft.
Ashcraft told us about "parent drivers," "adult drivers," and "child drivers." "What kind of driver sticks to the speed limit?" he asked.
"Adult," we chimed in unison.
"And what kind of driver goes slow in the left lane, holding up traffic?"
"Adult," I said. "Someone sticking to the speed limit."
"No, that's a parent driver," Ashcraft said.
"So it's OK to exceed the speed limit in the left lane?" I asked.
"The left lane is for passing," Ashcraft agreed.
Someone asked whether a cop who pulls you over for speeding has to show you his radar gun. "No," Ashcraft said, "It might be dangerous for you to get out of your car." In response to a follow-up question, he explained that in court, it was your word against the cop's and that you had to prove your innocence. I said I thought we were innocent until proven guilty. "Not if you're caught speeding," he explained.
But the most fun of the class came from the half hour-I kid you not-Ashcraft spent discussing the dangers of fallen power lines. "Don't touch a fallen power line," he admonished us, going into a story of a woman who hit a pole and knocked it down. In the accident, her three-year-old was thrown from the car. The little girl started walking back to the car (somehow unhurt after being tossed out) and stepped on the power line, which "blew off three of her toes." But she survived, because she was taking small steps. "If you have to walk near a power line," Ashcraft said, "Take little bitty steps. Long steps will bring the electricity into your body faster."
More on power lines: If you have to drive over one, it's safer to have bias tires than radials, Ashcraft explained. And he told us of once seeing "five sets of birds' feet on a power line-no birds, just feet." One of them must of grounded itself and killed all of them.
I couldn't help myself. "Do you think they popped or just fried in place?"
Eventually, all good things must come to an end. We got our proof of attendance and were dismissed. And as we left, in testimony to the effectiveness of the class, I heard one guy say, "It's 9:45. If I book it, I can get home by 10."
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